God’s Grace in Pain

As I lay down in deafening silence, I slowly start to feel the sweat trickle down my face and the four walls closing in on me.  I was expecting a thump of a rapid heartbeat, but instead, I hear the slow and quiet sighs from the ultrasound technician.  I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy.  Kurt was not allowed to join me in the room, and so as I lay there for what seemed to be an eternity, I found myself uttering a prayer; “Lord, let your will be done”.  The technician remained silent as she continues to slide the cold wand across my abdomen, letting us off with no further information.  I received a phone call the following day from my midwife, confirming my biggest fear.  After being referred to an OBGYN, I had to endure this same experience 3 more times in a span of 3 weeks before the doctor confirmed that I have had a complete molar pregnancy.  There is no baby, no heartbeat, and no viable pregnancy.

^“3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I was scheduled a Dilation and Curettage right away and in a matter of hours, what was supposed to be the happiest moment of our lives became the most painful and most heartbreaking.  The days that followed was just as painful, as we broke the news to our family and friends who celebrated with us not too long ago.  We were able to put our life on hold for a few days as we mourned and processed our loss.  However, as days turned into weeks, life had to resume.  And as I continue to meet my OBGYN with weekly blood draws to start my test for cancer, everything around was going back to normal. However, I felt everything but normal inside.

Just a few weeks prior, Kurt and I had been so excited to welcome a new member of our family of two.  We have started talking about buying new furniture for the baby and getting so excited looking at baby clothing.  We even started looking up baby names and have started planning the gender-reveal party.  We knew in our hearts that we were ready to be parents, but after this ordeal, we believed God had other plans.

We chose to remain anchored in faith in the midst of this storm.  In my heart came Isaiah 41:10, “Don’t be afraid for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.   We knew we were going to walk out of this healing process with the Lord by our side, and we will continue to embrace this pain until joy and strength bursts from it!

In my heart came Isaiah 41:10, “Don’t be afraid for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

Today, healing is slowly overriding the grief in my heart and the experience has taught me things I would not have learned otherwise.  The loss has reminded me that there are blessings not only on what God gives but also in what He takes away.  I discovered God’s grace in fresh ways through our family and friends who embraced us with prayers, support, and kind words.   The experience ushers a new type of normal and although the process is heartbreaking, it puts into perspective God’s sufficient grace in our lives.  I had grace for today and I believe that we will be given the grace we need throughout this journey of healing and acceptance.

In this time of heartache, we are reminded of the kind of God we have – a loving and a giving God.  My brokenness and heartache do not change who God is and His love never changes.  He rejoiced with us in our moments of joy and also held us close when the pain began.  In our moment of deepest grief, the Lord placed in our hearts a reminder how His promises and His word are true.    He said not to be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, to present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7).  Indeed, He has given us the affection and comfort that only a loving Father could provide.  In His name, we were able to grieve and be afflicted without being destroyed.

Our battle has not yet ended as we continue on this journey of weekly check-ups and doctor appointments, with the constant reminder of what we have lost.  But we know the battle has already been won in Christ and we believe in our hearts that God will give again.  We continue to pray that the Lord will answer our prayer to multiply our family one day, and although we still do not understand the reason why this or everything happens, we continue to believe, to trust and to give praise!

— Kyra Uy